First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
