I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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