Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
