My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Randomize
