is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
