Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
