i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
