im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
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The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
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I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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