Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
