420 ftw
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my phone needs a breathalizer
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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