I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
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Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
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He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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