im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
