Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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