oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm getting married
To pizza
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
