just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
