Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
