I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
