toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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