I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
