someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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