mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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