Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
