Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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