Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
