Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
