If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
In America we eat man semen.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
