worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
