You're my little dorito
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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