I'm lost and stupid without you.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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