I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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