So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
