nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
