walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize