I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
