God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
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drunk tastebuds have low standards.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
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He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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