i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
