mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
