after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
