saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
