Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
