also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
