I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
