do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
