dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.