He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude