I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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