She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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