Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
