I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
