I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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