I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
