I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
