I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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