So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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