using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
